I think the old ladies of Japan have some sort of secret society. There is no other way they could do half the things I’ve seen them do.

Exhibit A: “But she’s so small!”
She is not small. The power of the old lady extends past her meagre physical body. This is the only explanation for how, when one of them is walking (slowly) in front of you, somehow it’s impossible to overtake them. They take up the while path, even though they’re about 3 feet tall and about 3cm wide. It baffles me.

Exhibit B: Super speed/Teleportation
I think this is sort of a superpower that the old ladies release in bursts. When you’re on the train for any reasonable length of time, you’ll run into what I like to call the “ikinari obaasan” phenomenon. Ikinari meaning sudden, obaasan being an old lady. If you stop at a station that’s popular enough to actually have someone get out of their seat, there will inevitably be an old lady either appearing from beind the person next to you or just standing there, as if they were always there (when you know they weren’t), ready to claim the seat in the name of [secret sect name here].

Exhibit C: Razor elbows
Ever been elbowed by an old lady? I think they have special surgeons in their secret sect just to cut open the skin and grind the bones to an ultra-sharp edge for maximum efficiency.

Exhibit D: Omniscience
The old lady knows all. They will always appear in front of you with that slow walk, taking up the ENTIRE stairway, razor elbows at the ready, right when there’s a train you need to catch. And you’ll finally reach the platform just in time to watch your train fly away. This is a combination of their omniscience and super-timing.

Exhibit E: Death Ray Stare Glare
Ever sat on the train when an old lady gets on? The typical behaviour of the old lady is to get on the train, then look towards the seats, deciding exactly which one she wants. Then she begins to prowl towards it. If you’re sitting down and you see an old lady bearing down on you, don’t even bother to fight. You know you’re just screwed. The weapon of choice is the above-mentioned glare. This glare will almost instantly destroy any resistance you’ve built up, or any residual feelings of “Why my seat? There’s plenty of others!”. If you happen to be asleep when she finds you, this will not dissuade her in the slightest. You’ll just find yourself receiving gentle pokes in the shin from razor feet, then waking up to the glare. You’ll soon find yourself involuntarily getting up and letting her sit down with that charming smile that could melt butter (and probably does, another superpower?).

Remember kids, you don’t mess with the old ladies. Ever. One is dangerous enough, but there’s more of them than you think, and you don’t want them to call for reinforcements.